Autism and Forgiveness
The Ignorant Stranger
‘Waaaaaaaa,’ Screamed Charlie. He threw his petite five year old body on to the cold tile floors. The cold tiles set off another sensory explosion in his body and he wailed again.
‘I should have known better’ Heather, his mother, groaned under her breath. She only needed a couple of things and thought she would risk it.
One minute Charlie strolled calmly beside the shopping trolley, the next minute he was on the floor screaming. Heather ignored him as his autistic meltdown flourished under her watchful gaze. ‘Here we go,’ she mumbled again as a crowd began circling them. She picked Charlie up and forced him in to the trolley creating another wail of protest.
Heather didn’t move waiting for the crowd to disperse, waiting for the comments to come, waiting for the barbs to tip at her heart. Come they did.
‘That kids needs a good smack,’ one crusty old lady said.
‘If he were my kid, I’d sort him out,’ A balding middle aged man in a blue work singlet sprouted.
‘Tan his hide,’ Another woman in an ancient dress added from behind her.
And still the snide remarks and cruel comments continued. In that moment Heather wanted to scream herself, to drive home, ‘my child has autism...’ Why should she forgive these strangers oblivious to her son’s autism?
The Misunderstanding Friend
John lifted Carly up on to the swing. At first he pushed back and forth enjoying the moment with his daughter. Back and forth she swung. An hour later she was still swinging. Doug, John’s best friend, joined him watching his daughter. The other kids played in the pool, all nine of them, except Carly.
Doug raised a puzzled eyebrow. ‘She has been on that swing for a long time.’
John nodded. ‘Yeah she likes to swing.’
‘Hhmm,’ the disapproving tone wasn’t lost on John. ‘It’s not normal you know. She should be in playing with the other kids.
‘Carly doesn’t like being around too many people,’ he answered.
‘Well let her stay with us for the night. We’ll take her down to disco with the rest of the kids. It will do her good to get her out amongst the other kids. Get her socialising and making friends.’ With a shake of his head, John answered, ‘She has Aspergers, she doesn’t do social.’
‘Rubbish mate, all kids like hanging out with other kids, she’ll make some friends, it’ll sort her out.’
‘We will see,’ John answered ending the conversation. He had been down this path a dozen times before with John. The topic of Carly’s well being was straining their relationship to breaking point. He just couldn’t get him to understand and Doug wasn’t inclined to try to understand. Why should he forgive this friend, who refused to understand his daughter’s autism?
The Desperate Family
Claire watched it happen. Tears filled her eyes. Surrounded by her own family didn’t make her feel safe. Instead, Claire felt judged and condemned. Those who were once the highlight of her life now looked at her with disdain and disappointment.
Her son Michael cringed in the corner, his cousin Kevin standing over him holding a plastic spider. Michael screamed again, the touch of the toy terrified him.
‘What a sook,’ Kevin teased.
Claire’s brother William, sneered, his voice filling with disapproval, ‘Give the kid to me for a week, I’ll sort him out.’
The words cut Claire like a knife, ‘He’s autistic,’ she defended as she forced her way between Michael and Kevin.
‘Rubbish, he doesn’t look like it, nothing wrong with him. I’ll sort him out.’ Cutting words from a brother who was once devoted to her. Why should she forgive her family for causing her and her child such suffering because of his autism?
The Resigned Parents
Peter and Leah stared across the park where their children played. Hannah stumbled and fell grazing her knee. A trickle of blood seeped from the wound. Hannah screamed. Peter and Leah rushed to her. They dibbed and dabbed at the wound reassuring Hannah it was all right. They hugged and cuddled her.
Peter gathered the other children together and led them to the car. It was time to go home. Leah carried Hannah to the car and strapped her in. Sorrow filled their eyes, faces drooped, sighs escaped their dry lips. Hannah whined in the backseat, stressed from her injury.
The couple glanced at each other, but there was no reassurance there. Hannah had autism and it was all their fault. It had to be. Too much meat too early, they forced her in to those immunisations, they didn’t care for her well enough, they were poor parents, it was all their fault. It had to be. Their child had autism... Why should Peter and Leah forgive themselves for giving their child autism?
The Road to Forgiveness
Each of these fictious scenarios reflects areas of forgiveness parents of children with autism come face to face with. Forgiving strangers, friends, family, and even themselves, can be a powerful struggle. This book tries to deal with these issues and to provide reasons to forgive. This book does not condone ignorance, justify peoples actions, or promote blind acceptance or mistreatment. To quote an old cliche, meek does not mean weak. What this book does is to help you forgive ignorance, forgive misguided ‘help’ and forgive your own misunderstanding.
Foundation
Forgiveness is a difficult task. While this booklet is primarily focused on forgiving others, it is important to start at the foundation of forgiveness, God’s grace. The greatest example of God’s forgiveness is Christ. In Luke 23:34a, Jesus utters his own summary of his life on earth, ‘Father, forgive them.’ Jesus is on the cross, crucified, dying, in agony and humiliated. Despite this, Jesus still asks the Father to forgive those causing him this humiliating and painful death.
The bible declares we have all fallen short of God’s standards and expectations (See Romans 3:9, 10, 12, 23). We have all turned away from God, in one way or another. Even those society declares to be outstanding humanitarians are imperfect and have wronged God. This is called sin. Many fail to understand sin. Sin is more than committing crimes against people, sin is failing God, a failure to live up to his standards and expectations. Sin isn’t just murder, stealing and lust, sin is also things like gossip, and taking people and God for granted, for example. The problem for us is sin destroys our relationship with God. As a result of sin, we are all separated from God.
The character of God is so profound, that God wants every one of us, no matter how corrupt or evil we think we are, to experience healing, eternal life and forgiveness. This is the reason God sent Jesus to us, because he loves us so much, he sent his son to us (John 3:16). Through the willing sacrifice of his son, Jesus Christ, God has provided us with an escape from sin, condemnation and shame.
We cannot earn this forgiveness or grace. We cannot work for it. We cannot follow laws to justify it. We cannot do anything ourselves, but to receive this gift through faith in Jesus Christ. This is a gift graciously given by God to us through the sacrifice Christ made for us. Jesus by allowing himself to be crucified and therefore, the perfect sacrifice, he has paid the price for all we have done to offend God. Jesus takes our sin and all sin upon himself so that we may be forgiven.
God through his great grace, provides us this way to be forgiven and our relationship with him to be restored. This is exciting news for parents with children who have autism looking to restore their relationship with God and for those parents looking for forgiveness or a reason to forgive. (See also John 14:6; Acts 3:19; Romans 5:6; 3:22; and 1Corinthians 15:3-4)
While the problem of forgiveness for autism related situations is a matter of forgiving others rather than seeking forgiveness, reconciling with God brings with it, a deep appreciation for being forgiven and a greater capacity to forgive. Christ’s example, and God’s unmerited grace set the perfect model of forgiveness we would do well to follow.
Forgiving Others
While God’s grace is unconditional, the Lord’s Prayer gives us an interesting twist. It says, ‘Forgive us our sins as we forgive those, who sin against us.’ Why is it so important to forgive others? There are two reasons.
The parable of the Unforgiving Servant, in Matthew 18:21-35, explains these reasons.
21 Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”
22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. 23 Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. 25 But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. 26 The servant, therefore, fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ 27 Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.
28 “But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ 29 So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ 30 And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. 31 So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. 32 Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. 33 Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ 34 And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him.
35 “So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.” (Scripture taken from the NKJV. Copyright 1982 Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used with permission. All rights reserved.)
Reason to Forgive One
God forgives your sins freely if you ask. God has forgiven us freely, and so we should freely forgive others. Jesus makes this clear in his response to Peter. Peter is asking if he should limit the number of times he forgives someone. Jesus’ response is not a literal seventy seven times, but we should forgive freely as God forgives.
Jesus then launches into a story about a servant, who pleads forgiveness for a great debt, he racked up against his king. The king is the Father. The servant’s debt is symbolic of the great spiritual debt, we owe the Father. The servant appears before the king. It is time to pay up his debt of sin. The servant pleads for forgiveness. The Father forgives the servant, representative of God’s great grace.
The servant is understandably very happy about this turn of events. When this servant encounters another servant, the first servant doesn’t show the same grace he was given. In fact, the first servant throws the one who owes him into prison. The other servants tell the king, who quickly deals with the first servant harshly. The debt he was forgiven, was re-instated, and he ended up in prison for far longer than the second servant.
The message is clear, you have been forgiven for things you have done wrong by God and others, you too should forgive. While non-Christians will dismiss this reason the second reason applies to believers and non-believers alike.
Reason to Forgive Two
Verse 34 contains the second reason. The man was handed over to the torturers. Some may say these are demonic torturers and this only deals with the spiritual. This is not so. Unforgiveness can torture the most strident mind.
Torture takes a toll on people’s physical and emotional state as heavily as it does on our spiritual state. So does unforgiveness. If someone commits an atrocity against you, even though it may break your heart and devastate you, you must come to a place to forgive that person or people. Unforgiveness leads to bitterness, resentment, anger and many other negative emotions. Unforgiveness is like a cancer, it rots away at your emotional and spiritual state, growing and growing, until it turns your emotional state into an ugly festering tumour of bitterness eating away at your mind.
My father (my earthly father not Heavenly Father) struggled with unforgiveness. He could rattle off a list of people, who ‘had done him wrong.’ As time progressed, his initial anger at the wrongs he perceived were committed against him, turned into deep bitterness and hatred of the world. That bitterness festered in his mind to the point where every word he spoke was bitter and judgmental. He found solace in the bottom of a bottle. Alcohol and bitterness ostracised him from his wife and his children. He ended up divorced and alone. A sad case for a man, who had so much promise as a leading horse trainer and manager of one of the most outstanding horse studs in Australia. He lost everything, his career, wife, children, and grandchildren because unforgiveness got a hold of him, and he couldn’t let it go.
Not only does unforgiveness rot your spiritual and emotional state, the torture of unforgiveness destroys you physically as well. High stress levels lead to a myriad of health problems from heart disease to drug dependency to self-harm. Unforgiveness is something we all must deal with. Understand, forgiving someone doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be treated inappropriately or as a doormat, but it is important to allow yourself to forgive for your own peace of mind and state of health. It is not always easy, but it is necessary.
Forgiving the Ignorant
Forgive the ignorant stranger in the supermarket, forgive the assuming family member, and forgive the inconsiderate friend. Do this, not for the sake of the ignorant and uninformed people attacking you as a parent of a child with Autism, chances are they don’t care anyway, forgive them for your own sake. Forgive them for your own peace of mind and for your own health. You cannot continue to be an effective parent or better person if you harbour unforgiveness.
Years ago, a man worked in a Supermarket, rising through the ranks into management. Quite often the sounds of a screaming child would flood the supermarket floor. This manager cursed and would be rude to these obvious incompetent parents. Did he care that he had offended these parents? Not in the slightest, he would continue with his work completely forgetting about the earlier encounter. Many years later, that person discovered he had a form of autism, Asperger’s Syndrome. As he pondered how many times he had been a bully and cursed a child screaming in the supermarket for being a misbehaving child when many of them probably had autism, he had no idea how many or even remember who they were. I hope those parents with ASD children could forgive that retail manager, because that former manager is the author.
Whether people forgave me or not, at the time, made no difference to me as the ignorant bystander. Chances are people you encounter as a parent of someone with an ASD, who is nasty and snide, will not even remember they encountered you or caused you pain within minutes after the event. Forgiveness is not about the person who wrongs you, it is about you.
The Greatest Mistake
Many people make the mistake of focusing on the person who has wronged them. Forgiveness is not about the person who has done you wrong. Forgiveness is about you.
Let us go back to our parable. The parable is not focused on the second servant who did the first wrong. Neither is the parable focused on the king, who forgives. The parable is focused on the forgiveness of the servant. The servant is freely forgiven and yet the servant does not forgive in return much to his detriment. In the Lord’s Prayer, we are beseeched to seek forgiveness from the Father as we have forgiven others who have done wrong to us. We need to forgive for our own health and well being.
Reconciliation
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Often Christians will lump forgiveness and reconciliation together. God forgives us our sins and reconciles us to Him. They are not the same thing. Forgiving does not mean you should reconcile. An example, if someone is abusive to you. You need to forgive them, but if they are not interested in changing their behaviour (repentant) then it would be dangerous for you to reconcile.
If someone refuses to change then reconciliation should not accompany forgiveness unless you wish it too. Forgiveness is not about being a whipping post to anyone and everyone, forgiveness is cleansing your mind and spirit.
Forgiving yourself
Traumatic as ASD is, ASD parents have an intense ability to torture and blame themselves over things beyond their control. ‘If only I had not of done that during my pregnancy. If only I had thought to do this during infancy. My male genes must be faulty. If only I hadn’t taken my child for immunisations’. The list goes on...
The cause of autism is unknown. Medical research claims immunisations are not to blame for autism. There does appear to be a genetic link. Parents cannot control their genes, or pick and choose which genes to pass on when and where. Since there is no known cause of autism and genetic manipulation is not possible (at least for average parents), then why do parents insist on blaming themselves?
The answer is, do not. You are not to blame. Autism is not caused by poor parenting, this is a fact. You did not deliberately cause your child to have an ASD. You did not choose your child to have an ASD. If I were a betting man, I would bet you hoped and prayed for a perfectly normal child. Why then do you blame yourself for your child’s ASD?
While many parents take health risks with their children such as drugs, smoking and excess drinking, these are not known causes of ASD. You are not responsible. I don’t know of any ASD child who blames their parents for their ASD. An example, the author of this article does not blame his parents for his ASD. I know my parents, and I know there is no way they deliberately set out to give me Asperger’s syndrome. I am sure the same goes for you.
Forgive yourself, if you do not forgive yourself, you will cause problems in the future for your ASD child. Parents who blame themselves cause a variety of problems like over compensating and spoiling their child to the point, their ASD child becomes an obnoxious brat no one cares for. Unforgiveness will lead you down a path of low self-esteem, self-loathing and self-destruction. Harsh words I know, but the truth, nonetheless. Forgive yourself not just for yourself, but for your spouse and family.
Closing Words
Unforgiveness and the resentment and torment it brings can destroy relationships, especially marriages. Unforgiveness festers and erupts in an upheaval of destroyed and broken lives. Keeping unforgiveness doesn’t just affect you, but those around you and in the end can destroy your relationships.
If you are struggling to forgive then contact someone who can help you. Do it for yourself, your spouse, your ASD child and your family. Do not believe the lie unforgiveness is justified.